I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
