Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
