my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
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you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
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