you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
