I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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