Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My life is pants optional.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
