i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
