After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
