I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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