when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
time to smoke my breakfast
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
