I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
