i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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