im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
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I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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