It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
