Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
