I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
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You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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