you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
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She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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