i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jerry, you need to find god
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
