if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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