onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
