God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
