According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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