i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
