My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The struggles of a small town man whore
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
