I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
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I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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