So drunk its hurt
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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