he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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