I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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