watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
