So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
