when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
