Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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