hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
