Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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