We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
