Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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