I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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