Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
