theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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