My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
