I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
