Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
