He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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