Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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