my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
