Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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