I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
