you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
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1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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