Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
