It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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