My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
