i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
