i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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