saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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