Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
